The Colbert Report/Episode/522
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In IF A CHECK-IN OCCURS, SUMMARIZE IT HERE, OTHERWISE DELETE SECTION Intro NASA Node 3 Online Voting * Dr. Colbert opens with a smart salute to The Heroes! ** taking off his WristStrong Bracelet and shooting it at someone in His Mob * he returns the love because we are an amazing team, saying * Dr. Colbert reminds The Heroes about yesterday's show, when he gave us instructions: ** in one night, "COLBERT" is the top suggested name vote-getter on NASA's webtube! * Dr. Colbert is pleased with the outcome and predicts that if the voting stays at their current levels he will be remembered forever ** or at least until the Node burns up in a fiery re-entry *** which is how he'd like to go out * Dr. Colbert also showed how "COLBERT" is now beating out former top vote-getter "XENU" ** this is a feather in his cap *** Or as they say at the Celebrity Center, "a real thetan in his SeaOrg!" * Dr. Colbert then describes Xenu's life story Xenu's Life Story * 75 million years ago Xenu was an evil galactic dictator, who had some problem with billions of his people, who were then loaded onto space ships that looked exactly like DC-8s (he also charged them $25 if they had extra luggage) * Xenu sent these people to Earth, where their bodies were stacked around volcanoes, which were then blown up with hydrogen bombs * Stephen has decided it is believable, but could use a talking snake a virgin who has babies * due to his position above XENU in NASA's online vote, this makes Stephen $cientology's new galactic overlord! * he promises to be: ** tough ** but fair ** but tough * as newly ascended overlord, COLBERT dons his Galactic Overlord uniform to address his followers: ::"Pitiful Earth creatures! Do my bidding! Go to Colbert Nation dot com and follow the link to NASA's webpage! Vote for that space module to be named after me--COLBERT--your Galactic Overlord! Also, Tom Cruise, come on my show! Seriously, you'll do Kimmel, but you won't do me!? COLBERTNU OUT!" * Dr. Colbert makes the Galactic Overlord Uniform work Glenn Beck's Great Show! * Dr. Colbert cannot understated what a fantastic show Glenn Beck is doing over at Fox News * Stephen asks to give Glenn a direct message: :: "Dude you are rockin' it." * Stephen knows Beck's critics say that: ** he is an unstable individual ** to give him a public forum is grossly irresponsible * But Stephen wants him to remember that they crucified Jesus ** and encourages him to "crank up the crazy and break off the knob" *** pundit-speak for "Stay the Course" * Glenn Beck's newest venture is called the "War Room" ** where a panel of guests discussed possible doomsday scenarios * Dr. Colbert gave The Heroes a look at Beck's crystal balls by viewing an edition of War Room from last week * Dr. Colbert uses a well-regarded television news formula, the "flames to Beck" ratio, which determines how frightening a segment is ** the "flames to Beck" clip was expected to be as serious as a heart attack ** and judging by the "chins to Beck" ratio the heart attack might be Beck's * Beck's first scenario was considered by: ** Steven Moore, a writer with the Wall Street Journal ** and Gerald Celente, who terrorizes Smurf Village * The Scenario? ** the year is 2012 ** all U.S. banks have been nationalized ** unemployment is between 12% and 20% ** Dow is trading at 2800 ** commercial real estate market has collapsed ** Stephen admits this scenario is the most terrifying future ever yanked from someone's ass * Beck chewed on some prediction peyote and took America on a basic cable vision quest ** Celenta predicts: *** major cities will look like Calcutta *** people who are ignorant, functionally illiterate and whacked-out on drugs--hillbilly heroin, meth, etc with nothing to lose * Dr. Colbert points out that if the future does include people who are ignorant, illiterate hillbillies, there will be more viewers for Fox News * Dr. Colbert commends Beck for getting to the most important aspect of his doomsday scenario: ** ghost malls! * this news intrigues Stephen ** he didn't know that the creepy old people who wander around malls aren't ghosts!? * Dr. Colbert remembers there is a reason Glenn Beck is doing this show: ** a responsibility to prepare yourself for things that are not going to happen! * Dr. Colbert knows Beck cannot do this work alone and promises after the break to come back, not as "The Colbert Report," but as: ** Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker ** and suggests America put on some rubber pants! Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker * After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios * joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is: ** Retired Army Colonel Jack Jacobs ** Stephen Moore, writer for the Wall Street Journal * Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios ** he is a veteran ** was awarded the Medal of Honor ** member of the Council on Foreign Relations * Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room" ** Moore became terrified * Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog * Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions ** he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be SCENARIO #1 Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico * militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen ** Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people ** Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people * economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico ** and that he hopes NAFTA is still around ** free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America) ** Texans don't want to go to Mexico ** but, it's okay if Kansas did SCENARIO #2 * Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen * in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere * Moore recommends not eating your money ** Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away * for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs: ** in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress * after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves ** he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist) * Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore ** Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious *** Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation SCENARIO #3 * evil robots in every garage ** robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro * may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3 ** Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys ** Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons *** Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table SCENARIO #4 * Moore is dumbstruck ** he cannot believe that socialism works * if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in ** Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass Interview * Carl Wilson * book: Celine Dion's Let's Talk about Love: A Journey to the End of Taste (33 1/3 Series) * has written a book on why people love Celine Dion, Dr. Colbert doesn't care if the interview is sinking, the talk will go on. * his book is based on his research into the work of Celine Dion and the people who love her ** including Mr. Wilson himself, who has a crush on her * going into the project, Wilson considered her music the most repulsive possible ** after a year of research he has respect for it now ** he likes some of it, but wouldn't call himself a fan * Wilson tries not to use the word "repulsive" anymore, when discussing taste ** he used the book as a way to explore why we have taste wars with one another, using himself as a guinea pig to attempt to understand the popularity of Celine Dion * why she wears leather outfits is a delightful mystery * contrary to the Lats' phrase de gustibus non disputandum est (There is no accounting for taste), Wilson is literally trying to account for taste ** flying in the face of thousands of years of wisdom * Wilson says there's a story behind everyone's taste ** where one comes from ** what one has been through ** what one has been exposed to * what horrific experience would someone have to go through that Celine Dion would be the answer to? ** Wilson doubts that it's a trauma *** Dr. Colbert suggests that perhaps the trauma comes after the music, rather than before * people may be attracted to Dion because of the values attached to/associated with cultural objects, such as: ** her rags to riches story ** her loyalty to family * he deconstructed his own taste ** he was a music critic ** a big fan of hipster pop (like the band Ogre Milk) ** attracted to subversive, extreme qualities of music * as a hipster, Wilson likes Celine Dion ironically ** even though he believes it's sarcastic * all Celine Dion fans should watch The Report Epilogue * good night everybody! 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